Procrastination
by Snow Cover
Summary: Ginpachi-sensei’s students must work together to accomplish one single project, but most of them are uncooperative, proficient procrastinators.
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Ginpachi-sensei's students must work together to accomplish one single project, but most of them are uncooperative, proficient procrastinators.

Type: Class 3-Z Fic. What's Class 3-Z? It's those little segments at the end of several past Gintama episodes. It's also a series of light novels.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gintama. It belongs to Hideaki Sorachi.

Give credit where credit is due: I owe my inspiration to write this fic from SpyralHax, who said that he wanted to write a Gintama fic with a high school setting, and the title is an adage that belongs to Postcards-From-Hell. Also, a big thank you to SpyralHax for beta reading this fic!

* * *

"Procrastination is a hobby not a sin."

—Postcards-From-Hell, a Gintama author

Chapter 1

Once upon a time, a princess dwelled in the kingdom of Edorado. The princess was a beauty. Her golden hair was as soft as silk, her skin was ivory pale, her lips were as seductive as a temptress, and her sapphire eyes were unparalleled by those of the other women in Edorado. She was admired by the kingdom's inhabitants, who would immediately flock to her feet when she graced them with her presence.

However, although one would expect the princess to be cheerful because of the high respect she received from her people, she was actually miserable. Every midnight, she would wail and wail. She would shed tears until sunrise.

But the despondent princess is not the point of this story.

Instead, the focus of this story lies on a teacher and his students.

Ginpachi-sensei was the teacher of Class 3-Z, and if a genie were to grant any of his wishes, he would immediately wish that he wasn't a teacher. Yes, he would wish for that…and for his excessively shaggy silver hair to be straightened and perhaps for all of the Japanese comic books that would ever be created. But such a genie would never exist, so he remained a teacher, his silver hair remained disarrayed, and he continuously used most of his salary to buy JUMP manga.

Meanwhile, his students would have wished for—

"That's enough. You've already wasted more than ten lines of this story by digressing." Ginpachi-sensei waved his hand with a blasé mien and stuffed a lollipop into his mouth. "You do realize that the readers are probably bored by now, right?" The end of the lollipop's stick produced a smoke, which seemed to indicate his lack of enthusiasm for yet another day as a teacher in Class 3-Z.

One of his students, Kagura, seemed confused, so she adjusted her glasses and raised her hand to inquire her teacher.

"Yes…Katsura-san?" Ginpachi-sensei could not remember the student's name.

"She's not Katsura! She's Kagura, and I'm Katsura!" a student with long black hair snapped. Is that student a boy or a flat-chested girl with a somewhat deep voice?

"I thought your first name was Zura, Miss Kotarou." Ginpachi scratched his bush-like hair with a puzzled look.

The irritated long-haired girl slammed her hands on her desk. "It's not Zura, it's Katsura, and I'm a man!" So apparently, the student is a male.

Kagura muttered an "ahem" to remind Ginpachi that she had a question. "Ginpachi-sensei, why didn't this story open with 'Teach us! Ginpachi-sensei!'?"

Ginpachi pondered for a minute or two as he rubbed his chin. Finally, he arrived at a conclusion with a fist to his palm. "Perhaps the fervor-instilling effect of the phrase 'Teach us! Ginpachi-sensei!' will be lost if it's just written! What good is a catch phrase if it isn't voiced eagerly?"

"Sensei, I beg to differ." A bespectacled student, Shinpachi, stood up to voice his opinion. "A catch phrase is important, so it must be used anywhere, even in fan fiction."

The rest of the students seemed to agree with Shinpachi.

Otae nodded and stood up to defend her brother's statement. "Right. In fact, a catch phrase is like a sacred tradition that must be preserved, like how Japan still continues to honor Doraemon."

"Yes, like how Superman will always wear his underwear outside!"

"And like how Kagura-san still continues to bring a hotdog for lunch!"

"And like how Hijikata-san should be killed."

"And like how every JUMP hero has to have some sort of glowing, spherical superpower, like Hamehameha, Rasengan, and Reigun or Spirit Gun!" The comment's source, who happened to be Hijikata, paused because he noticed that the previous statement, which initially seemed trivial to him, was actually a threat to his own life. He frowned at Sougo, the most probable culprit behind the threat. "You! Don't think I didn't hear you earlier."

"Hear what?" Sougo's eyes glistened with innocence.

But Hijikata didn't seem to believe him. "Don't try to mislead me. I'm sure I'm not the only one who heard you." He scanned the room, asking for his fellow witnesses' support, but the others only gave him a questioning look. He sighed. "Just look at the previous statements. There's one that says 'And like how Hijikata-san should be killed,' which is obviously from you."

"But Hijikata-san, there are no dialogue tags after that statement, so it could belong to anyone." Ever so phlegmatic, Sougo yawned before writing something in his notebook. A single sentence was scrawled across the page in lilliputian letters: "Die, Hijikata."

"Yes, but only you would say that," Hijikata growled and pounded his desk.

"That maybe so, but where's the proof? There's none because there's no dialogue tag."

"Ginpachi-sensei, we still haven't solved the catch phrase issue." Kagura stood up from her seat and started chanting, "Use the catch phrase! Use the catch phrase!"

"Use the catch phrase!" Shinpachi joined.

Soon the rest of the students were chanting like rally participants, so Ginpachi was forced to rewrite a part of the story so that the catch phrase is used right after Class 3-Z is introduced.

* * *

But the despondent princess is not the point of this story.

Instead, the focus of this story lies on a teacher and his students.

Teach us! Ginpachi-sensei!

* * *

"Sensei, you were right! The catch phrase doesn't have that exciting vibe found in the anime when it's just written." Kondo ceaselessly bobbed his head in agreement.

"Maybe we need to capitalize every letter," Kagura offered. "That usually gains a lot of attention."

"But in chat rooms, people who use caps are labeled as annoying nuisance," Yamazaki quietly muttered. . . .

But he was ignored.

* * *

But the despondent princess is not the point of this story.

Instead, the focus of this story lies on a teacher and his students.

TEACH US! GINPACHI-SENSEI!

* * *

"But now, that's just annoying!" Ginpachi fisted a hand as he ignored Yamazaki's mumbles of "That's what I just said." He pointed to his students. "Don't tell me you find that friendly and exciting at all. It looks like the story is scolding the readers through the catch phrase!"

"Then maybe we should make the font red." Sougo repeatedly tapped his pencil against a black notebook.

"No, no that won't work. Fanfiction dot net doesn't keep the font color when a document is uploaded." Ginpachi shook his head and scratched his perm.

"Shouldn't you be more concerned about the fact that he's probably thinking about blood right now?" Hijikata was struggling to maintain his patience and avoid wringing his teacher's neck by gripping the edges of his desk.

"Thinking about blood is pretty normal for Okita-san." Again, Yamazaki was ignored.

Shinpachi stood up. "Maybe we can use a smiley, so the audience will know we're not really shouting at them."

* * *

But the despondent princess is not the point of this story.

Instead, the focus of this story lies on a teacher and his students.

TEACH US! GINPACHI-SENSEI :)

* * *

"No," Ginpachi-sensei stated, his voice devoid of emotion.

A sweat drop appeared behind each of the students in the room.

Kondo rose from his seat. "But sensei, now the audience knows that the catch phrase isn't being used to scold them."

"No, it looks like the story isn't screaming the catchphrase because of the smiley face, which means that we're misleading the audience to think that we're not shouting the catchphrase with fierce anger!" Ginpachi scorned upon his students. "Young people these days! Covering any resentment in their words by typing a smiley face!" He looked to his left. Then he looked to his right. He stared at his students. Then he looked to his left again. Finally, he fervently proclaimed, "I'm in despair! The hypocrisy of this generation that uses smiling emoticons to hide their bitterness has left me in despair!"

Once again, Shinpachi was exasperated by his teacher's mimicking of catch lines from other anime. "Whatever happened to 'Don't stay up late watching anime'?"

Ginpachi pointed to the class. "That proverb applies to you students, not me."

"BUT SHOULDN'T YOU BE A ROLE MODEL SINCE YOU'RE THE ADULT?" Shinpachi lost his temper and his never-ending series of ardent tirades would most likely begin again.

Kagura examined Shinpachi's comment. "Shinpachi, you forgot to use the smiley face."

"At this point, we might as well try underlining, bolding, and italicizing the catch phrase!" Shinpachi not only lost his temper, but he lost a large portion of his sanity because he was now insensate with rage.

"Yes, let's do that." Ginpachi nodded with an odd and seemingly byzantine grin.

Incredulity was planted on each of the students' faces.

"By underlining, bolding, and italicizing the catch phrase, it will appear as a header to many of the readers, so they won't be offended at all." Once again, Ginpachi nodded with a calculating grin.

* * *

But the despondent princess is not the point of this story.

Instead, the focus of this story lies on a teacher and his students.

_**Teach us! Ginpachi-sensei!

* * *

**_

Kondo's eyebrows were crossed. He wasn't too pleased with Ginpachi's alteration of the catch phrase, so he stood up to protest against it. "Ginpachi-sensei, the catch phrase still lacks excitement!"

"Yes, but now it looks like a header, so even though we can't make it exciting, we'll get some points for originality for making the catch phrase a header!" Ginpachi seemed truly determined to keep the italicized and bolded and underlined catchphrase. "We're going to keep it this way. Any objections?"

The entire class raised their hands to object.

"Alright, no objections. Let's move on to the next topic. We've already digressed enough." Of course, most of the students were seething with irritation because Ginpachi was attempting to edit out the scene in which they raised their hands. "Since we've wasted quite some time digressing, I'll be quick in explaining this project from your principal."

Ginpachi-sensei searched his pocket for something. He dug deeper, but it seemed that he could not find what he was looking for. From his pocket, he extracted a pen, a watch, a flat wallet, a Dragonball Z keychain, twenty lollipops, which almost caused a few eyes to bulge out of their sockets, and finally, a crumpled piece of paper.

Shinpachi fixed his eyes on the floor, resisting the urge to yank the teacher's hair from his scalp.

Ginpachi unfolded the paper and began to read the contents, not even bothering to smooth out the letter. "Dear students, this project will enhance your knowledge regarding the problematic issue of procrastination. Your task is to gather information about procrastination and to come up with at least five solutions to overcome this impediment. You may present your solutions through any means: a research paper, a video, a speech, or even a song. However, your entire class must only submit one, single project. This project is due next week. Good luck."

Everyone in the classroom, except Ginpachi, frowned. It was impossible to accomplish such an overwhelming task, especially since all of the students were accustomed to working individually. Furthermore, it was not possible for many of the students to put an end to their feud and agree on a truce.

Sensing the tension in the classroom, Ginpachi quickly stood up and announced that he was going to the teacher's lounge because he needed to "get some paperwork from the principal," but his students knew better. Their teacher would never engage in such a productive activity.

As Ginpachi exited the classroom and disappeared down the school hallway, the students began to talk about their project.

"Well it's due in a week, so we don't really need to start this today." Shinpachi rubbed the back of his head. He really didn't want to work with his insane peers. How can the project be perfect with so many people contributing ideas that were so . . . different (and most likely, frustratingly improbable)?

Otae nodded. "Yeah, you're right, and how can we work when almost everyone seems too unwilling to work with each other today."

Upon hearing this comment, Kondo immediately proclaimed, "I'd be willing to work with you, Otae-san!" Then, he prepared to assault Otae with another one of his ecstatic gorilla embrace.

Of course, his head was immediately pummeled to the ground with a powerful kick from Otae before he even laid a single finger on one of her uniform's sleeves. "I said almost everyone." And of course, she spoke with such a benign smile.

"I agree. Who would want to work with someone who's so obsessed with mayonnaise, or someone who's obsessed with a giant dog and a hot dog, or someone who has four eyes?" Okita made sure to avoid any tone change in his voice, figuring that no one would be able to detect his explicit insults.

Unfortunately (mostly for Sougo), the targets of his insults noticed his comment.

"There's nothing wrong with mayonnaise! At least I'm not addicted to HOT DOGS!" Hijikata switched his glare from Sougo to Kagura.

"And there's nothing wrong with Sadaharu! And eating hot dogs inside the classroom is common in my homeland! And at least I'm not almost completely blind like some people!" Kagura pointed to Shinpachi.

"Not everyone is blessed with twenty-twenty! At least I'm not a sadist or a gorilla!"

"I'm not a gorilla! At least I'm manly, unlike some feminine men with long hair!"

"At least I'm not a madao!"

Even more unfortunately, all hopes of discussing the project were lost when the entire room was filled with even more tension, even more quarrels, even more kicks, and the addition of flying textbooks.

Meanwhile, Ginpachi sat on one of the cushioned chairs in the teacher's lounge, in front of the principal.

"I suppose you're here to discuss about the new project." The principal sipped a cup of tea and fixed her hairpin.

"Yes, you could say that." But really, Ginpachi only came to the teacher's lounge to escape from the imminent disaster that was approaching…and well… that was currently occurring in his classroom. He yawned. "Why procrastination?"

The principal narrowed her eyebrows and took another sip from her tea. "You of all people should know. You haven't paid your rent at all."

"Ah, Otose-san," Ginpachi apathetically stretched out the "san" and flicked his fingers. "I'm not procrastinating. I'm really broke."

At this point, the principal could not restrain her temper, so she gave the teacher a furious, powerful kick of over 9000! "How are you broke when I know for a fact that you work here and I'm your boss?"

Ginpachi scratched his perm, half hoping that the kick straightened his untamable abomination of a hair. "Okay, I admit it. I was procrastinating."

"No, you used your salary on JUMP again!" Otose cleared her throat and raised her cup to her lips again. "But your rent isn't the point."

"But you know, you're really bold. If I were you, I wouldn't dare assign something that's impossible for those kids to finish. They can't even cooperate with each other."

"No, not really." Otose moved closer to one of the lounge's windows, observing the pencils and notebooks flying out of the windows of Ginpachi's classroom. "It's not impossible. They can manage it. Any group of kids can manage something like this."

The principal seemed to expect so much from Ginpachi's students, although said students were now fervently overturning their classroom. Her eyes were distant for moment before she narrowed them. "About your rent…"

But as soon as her gaze left the window, the door to the lounge slammed shut as sounds of Ginpachi's footsteps swiftly dissipated.

The thoughts of Otose, Ginpachi, and his students were alike: "It's going to be a long week."


	2. Chapter 2

Credits: I do not own the inspiration to closely examine Tae's charred eggs. XxabridgedgirlyxX's "Rating: T for fried eggs" in her _Even violent women & natural perms need love_ persuaded me to pay attention to Tae's eggs just a little more carefully. In addition, big thanks again to you, SpyralHax, for beta-reading this fic!

Chapter 2

* * *

_**Teach us! Ginpachi-sensei!

* * *

**_

To Shinpachi Shimura, the idiosyncrasies of his classmates were wholly abstruse. He could not comprehend why it was mandatory to present ONE SINGLE project with those eccentric people. How was he supposed to excel in his class with soaring marks and have time watch Otsu-ono's concerts if those people were so contentious? He abhorred his classmates, Ginpachi-sensei, and the principal's mentally exacerbating project. He removed his spectacles and proceeded to ram his skull on his living room's bamboo coffee table.

--

Kagura dragged herself to the nearest ramen shop, ordering not a small cup, not the largest bowl, but the entire pot of ramen itself. She did not want to start that project. She wanted to procrastinate more because she knew that wouldn't be able to bear the barrage of insults that would prevent them from ever completing that old principal's project. She could just imagine her unconcerned teacher's manga sessions, that preppy, nerdy Shinpachi's boring lectures about the "indubitable significance of perfection," and Big Sis' murderous smiles. And to top the spoiled sundae with more rotten cherries, the Kendo Club members were sure to be a pain in the neck, especially with that mayo-globbing monster's complaints about the whole world, that sadist's stupid antics that irritates everyone, that gorilla's annoying and futile attempts to show his sentiments to Big Sis. But that wasn't all! There were much more stupid issues. Much, much more.

She gulped down the last of the ramen in one swig, placed some yen on the shop's counter, unfolded her umbrella, and briskly walked home, wishing to rest and continue avoiding thoughts about the project (and to evade the shop owner's wrath when he realized that she didn't pay enough for the whole pot of ramen).

--

Tae Shimura was inside her house's kitchen when she heard a series of loud crashes. She glanced at the living room and was somewhat astonished to see her brother's head repeatedly colliding with their bamboo coffee table. Tae just shook her head, mumbled something about her younger brother's immunity to concussions, and continued rummaging through the refrigerator for eggs. She couldn't really reprimand her brother for resenting the project because admittedly, she hated it, too. As she minced a cabbage into jagged pieces with an extraordinarily large axe like an insane butcher while the eggs sizzled in the frying pan, she couldn't help but wish for a miracle.

You see, Tae Shimura was a very responsible woman in all areas (household chores, her job, grocery shopping, you name it) except schoolwork. She was the type of student who couldn't help but put all of her projects off until the last minute. Now, to make matters worse, this major project required the cooperation of the entire class. She sighed. Hopefully, the entire class would actually accomplish the project, even if it meant a "little harmless coercion" was necessary. She grinned and scooped the oh so succulent charred egg-like substance from the pan. Their dinner was ready: a glob of cabbage (which she referred to as cabbage stir fry) and so called scrambled eggs (which were so pitch black that for the first time, the Dark Side refused to offer free cookies).

--

Kondo Isao, who was currently busy supervising his fellow kendo club members, was an avid fan of procrastination. As far as he was concerned, nothing was wrong with his favorite habit. In fact, he claimed that he worked better under pressure, so he continued to pull out all-nighters for each and every project since the beginning of the school year.

Despite his saggy eyes after these all-nighters, he felt no remorse. Despite his constant yawns in the classroom, he felt no guilt. Despite the fact that this time, the project required all of the minds in Class 3-Z, he still felt that this time was no different. So he told Hijikata, Okita, and another club member, whose name he had forgotten (Was it Yamaha? Yamanami? Yakuza? Yamaha Yakuza?), that they should buckle down and prepare to procrastinate from the project. Then, he slipped out of the club's dojo to "accompany and protect" his Otae-san.

But the three kendo members who remained in the dojo had different thoughts.

--

Toushiro Hijikata did not agree with Kondo. He would not buckle down! He would not procrastinate from the project! He wasn't going to procrastinate because he would not even think of the project, so he wasn't going to procrastinate from ANYTHING! No, he would not even go to class for an entire week until this ridiculous project was over. No, he didn't care if his grade might substantially drop down. He was going to stay at home, grab dozens of unbelievably large mayonnaise bottles, snatch an ice cream scoop, and watch the latest episode of his favorite soap opera while chugging away all of his mayo. (And that, friend, is what Hijikata did for his entire morning and afternoon the next day.)

--

Sougo Okita's plan for the week was divided into two sections.

Plan Section 1: Procrastinate from Procrastination. Okita thought himself to be very clever, and that's precisely why he wasn't going to waste any useless energy on focusing on procrastinating. He planned to do what has probably never been done before. (However, little did this sadist know that to procrastinate from procrastination was the exact same thing as abstaining from procrastination, which meant that he would work on the project. Therefore, what he thought had never been done before was in fact a common occurrence. Yet, it might be possible that he did understand that to procrastinate from procrastination was indeed something ordinary and that due to his complex nature, he was merely feigning unawareness in order to convince himself that procrastinating from procrastinating did not equal to the hated concept called Work.)

Plan Section 2: Test a New Form of Sadism. As usual, his test subject was Hijikata, but this time, he was going to inflict pain on the experiment by tricking it into an addiction to the best selling multi-online role playing game, World of Mayocraft XI. The test subject would never be aware of its imminent deterioration. Now, before someone gets entangled in this sadist's convoluted mind, the next person shall be placed under the spotlight.

--

Yamaha Yakuza, who was actually the pitiful, neglected Yamazaki (not an infamous Yamaha-driving Yakuza), found his throat paralyzed. He could not force himself to concur with Kondo, and usually, he was pretty good at conforming to their club leader's beliefs and suggestions, no matter how ridiculous they were. But this time, for some reason, probably because the project involved the hands of the entire class, including him mind you, he couldn't just let this project be done at the last minute. He was going to have to resort to plotting with the exasperating Shinpachi and the intimidating yet ironically benevolent Tae.

--

To put things concisely, Hasegawa Taizo was a madao. Man Around the edge of the Delightful And Outstanding land of procrastination, where he will never be welcomed. Man who used to be After Days of Alleviation and Opulence. Man Actually Doing his service and Applying to various Occupations but is constantly fired. Man who must now be Awkwardly ignored Due to the somewhat Afflictive and somewhat Opprobrious complaints from the main character concerning his lack of text.

* * *

Ginpachi relaxed on his living room couch as he took a spoonful of his strawberry parfait. He contemplated on his options for that week. He considered using his sick days for entire period of the Procrastination Project, but there was just one problem: Otose, the ever-so perceptive old sage, was his landlady and his boss. She, along with Catherine and Tama, could just barge into his dwelling, have the android use her DraGone Quest powers to zap him awake, place him on a makeshift trolley, and deliver him to his classroom.

As Ginpachi finished the last of his parfait, a series of loud knocks pounded on the door. This immediately convinced Ginpachi to hide behind his couch because he suspected that it was Otose coming to reprimand him about his late rent.

The heavy knocks continued incessantly, not missing a single beat. Ginpachi expected to hear Otose's familiar demands of "Open Up!" but he didn't even hear the old woman's voice. The doorknob silently twisted. The shady intruder was determined to accomplish his heinous task. What was the intruder's purpose? Was it a burglar? No, none of Ginpachi's possessions were worth stealing. Was it a gangster? No, Ginpachi had not achieved anything that was significant enough to be on anyone's hit list.

No, it was most likely the most feared visitor in the entire universe, the most redoubtable, the most persistent of all humans...an ardent door to door salesman.

Keys jingled before the door was successfully opened. Ginpachi crawled under the couch and wondered how the salesman could have possibly gotten the keys to his door. Maybe this was a new tactic that the army of salesmen invented? Maybe Otose gave this salesman a duplicate of his key to pester him in retaliation to his late rent payment?

"Go on, he should be here somewhere." Otose's voice! He was right! This was the revenge of the old sage!

A pair of yellow webbed feet stopped in front of his face before he saw a two round eyes and a beak.

At the top of his lungs, Ginpachi screamed, "I'm not interested in what you're selling!"

"Good job, Elizabeth. You found him!"

Ginpachi rolled from under his couch and stared at Otose, then at Elizabeth, and finally at the other intruder.

"Oi, Zura, I didn't know you were a salesman."

Katsura considered yelling out "It's not Zura, it's Katsura! And what are you talking about? I'm not a salesman!" but he had an important favor to ask of his teacher, so he decided to muster up his patience and keep his temper. "I'm not selling anything, Sensei. Can you watch over Elizabeth for about a while?"

"That's what they all say. Then, they con you into buying their products! Tell me, is this duck what you're trying to sell?" Ginpachi assumed The Thinker pose and glared at the "salesman."

"Again, Sensei, I'm not trying to sell anything. I just need you to watch over Elizabeth for a few hours because I need to get a haircut."

Ginpachi decided to interrogate the "salesman" with a flashlight. "And why do you need to get a haircut? To charge me after you trick me into unknowingly buying your product for some nine nine nine price with my remaining penny as my consolation? Aside from that, you do realize that you'll be physically out of character if you cut your hair again."

"But Sensei, my hair has grown an inch longer. I'm already physically out of character."

"And why would it take you hours to get a haircut? It didn't take you that long to get your hair shortened before!"

"Because the nearest high-quality barbershop has too many customers today. Besides, the principal said you needed to earn some money for your rent." Katsura glanced at Ginpachi's clock and retrieved a stuffed plastic bag from his backpack. "Here, the instructions are right on top." Katsura ran out of apartment, leaving the now dumbfounded Ginpachi convinced that Zura was definitely not a salesman.

Ginpachi opened the plastic bag and followed the instructions.

1. Just like any pet-sitter, he gave Elizabeth the food Katsura supplied

2. Just like any pet-sitter, he permitted Elizabeth to watch T.V.

3. Just like any pet-sitter, he let Elizabeth read the books Katsura selected.

4. And of course, just like any pet-sitter, he followed Katsura's request and reluctantly read _The Ugly Alien Duckling _to Elizabeth, whose aspirations to be an elegant alien swan were further stimulated.

When Ginpachi closed the book, there was knock on his door. He instantly slid the door open and tossed the giant duck to its owner.

"Sensei, careful with Elizabeth!" Katsura shouted as he caught the duck and grabbed the pet supplies.

After the duck-owner left, Ginpachi found himself comparing the ugly alien duckling to his students. The hideous duckling had turned into an elegant swan. Hideous to elegant, duckling to swan.

"To be or not to be? That is the question. No, wrong soliloquy," Ginpachi rubbed his eyes and shook his head. "Even procrastinators can overcome the impossible, not just ugly ducklings."

Ginpachi felt satisfied with his own maxim, so he retreated back to his couch and read more of his JUMP.

Meanwhile, the situation at the Shimura household was less calm. In fact, Tae and Shinpachi were about to eat their dinner when their doorbell suddenly sounded. Tae pushed her seat back into place and went to the door.

Her hands glazed over the door handle before she asked, "Who is it?"

"Sagaru Yamazaki."

"Could you repeat that?"

"Sagaru Yamazaki."

"I'm sorry. Did you mean Yamazaki Susumu? As in the Shinsengumi's Yamazaki Susumu?"

"No, Otae-san, I'm Sagaru Yamazaki, your classmate."

Tae cleared her throat and replied in a placid tone, "No search results found for Sagaru Yamazaki. Did you mean Masayoshi Yamazaki? The well-known Japanese singer-songwriter?"

"No, Otae-san, although I have heard his songs before. It's Sagaru Yamazaki. I'm the one who Sensei doesn't notice most of the time. And Otae-san, why are you mimicking a search engine?"

"No search results found for Sagaru Yamazaki. Did you mean Suntori Yamazaki?"

A bewildered gasp was heard from the other side of the door. "Otae-san, I'm not a whiskey distillery. It's me, Yamazaki!"

"No search results found for Sagaru Yamazaki. Did you mean Raito Yagami?"

"EH? That's from an entirely different anime! Otae-san! Please tell me that I'm somewhere in the search engine!"

Shinpachi stepped into the room, holding a cup of ramen. "Ane-ue, who are you talking to?"

"A non-existent being or object. I'm sorry. No search results found for Sagaru Yamazaki." To this statement, Shinpachi dropped his ramen. "Did you mean Chef Boyardee?"

And to this, Shinpachi's straight character surfaced once again. "Ane-ue, there's no relevance between Yamazaki-san and Chef Boyardee! And why are you talking like Google?"

"Oh, you're aware of this non-existent being?"

"Ane-ue, Yamazaki-san was deliberately obscured by this fan fiction because it was thought that his straight character would overlap with my own. Also, we look very similar." Shinpachi grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil and started drawing himself. "You just have to extend my hair and shrink my eyes a little bit and take off my glasses." He handed the piece of paper to his sister.

Tae examined the picture and exclaimed, "Oh! That Yamazaki-san!" She opened the entrance door and welcomed the now recognizable Yamazaki, who was repeatedly mumbling "I'm not anywhere, not even on the Internet, I don't exist."

"Yamazaki-san, what made you visit us all of a sudden? Is this about the project?"

But Yamazaki was still babbling to himself.

"I think you've completely demoralized him, Ane-ue."

"Ah, sorry, Yamazaki-san. Allow me to make it up to you. Would you like some of my fried eggs?"

Shinpachi almost swore that he had just heard a maniacal laugh from a far, far away place. He shivered with fear. "A-Ane-ue, I don't think giving Yamazaki your eggs would help him very much. I think we need to help him recover his self-esteem first."

"You're right, Shin-chan." She turned to Yamazaki. "Yamazaki-san, please feel better. More fan fiction and fan art are dedicated to you than to Shinpachi."

Yamazaki smiled.

A loud crash reverberated in Shinpachi's ears.

"Ane-ue..." Shinpachi delved into his own void of grief, something he titled "The Melancholy Life of Shinpachi Shimura." It was then that Shinpachi realized the insignificance of his own existence in the Gintama fandom.

"Shin-chan, sorry, but we did have to raise Yamazaki-san's spirit. I'll go get some eggs for you." With a smile, Tae stood up to head to the dinner table.

Shinpachi immediately exited his void of grief and shook his head, secretly pleading his sister not to get the eggs. "No need, Ane-ue. I'm already fine." He tilted his head towards Yamazaki. "Yamazaki-san, why the sudden visit? Is it about the project?"

Yamazaki nodded. "Otae-san, Shinpachi-san, you must have something in mind to convince everyone to complete this project together by the deadline."

Shinpachi shook his head with disappointment engraved in his expression. Tae broke into a sly smile, earning befuddled demeanors from the other two. A scheme was unfolded.

And thus, the anti-procrastination coalition was formed.


	3. Chapter 3

Returning to the society of fanfiction after a prolonged absence might be a lot like returning to the real world's society after you've sequestered yourself like a hikkikomori for four years. But when someone says to dust off the years you've been gone because it's better late than never, that's when you realize that everything is all right.

Credits (Yep, people deserve their credits) : My gratitude to Shimura Shinpachi (pattan) from LiveJournal for really nailing Shinpachi's character. I appreciate his journal entries very much since it has taught me a whole lot about how Shinpachi speaks.

Chapter 3

* * *

**__****Teach us! Ginpachi-sensei!**

* * *

Ginpachi entered his classroom about half an hour early before the start of classes thanks to his boss/landlady's decision to place him on his scooter and attach his vehicle to her car as she drove to Gintama High. He locked his classroom door, knowing that an early morning stalker might walk through very soon.

Outside the school, the luminescent sun was peeking out from the horizon as morning dews fell from the tree leaves. The contrast between the shadows and light grew more and more discernible as the radiance of the sun illuminated the school. A couple of students were heading to the cafeteria. Others were heading to the library. A student was scaling up the school's brick wall. Some teachers were climbing up the steps to the school entrance. It was the start of a new school day.

The same student was still crawling up the school's brick wall…Spider-man style. The student seemed determined to climb the wall with all her might. One hand followed by another, she ascended to another level, the wind lifting her skirt and deviously revealing something that should not probably be exposed in a rated K+ fan fiction.

From another angle, the student's purple bangs were stuck to her forehead and her spectacles were becoming foggier each step she made, but she still pushed on. When she finally reached her destination, the school bell rang, announcing the official opening of the building.

Ginpachi didn't seem to hear the bell since his JUMP still covered his face when his classroom's entrance door was capsized. In walked Kagura lugging her umbrella and rummaging through her bag for a hotdog.

"Oi! What did you just do? We can't put the door back into—" Shinpachi couldn't finish his sentence when Kagura stopped searching through her bag for a moment and kicked the door back into place. For a second, Shinpachi contemplated upon adopting an extreme form of metaphysical nihilism because such superhuman strength was made possible by Kagura. Did the world really seem like it is? Should we believe what we see? Do all of the things that surround us really exist? Did everyone really exist? These were all of the curious megane's questions.

"Are we all just figments of our own imaginations? Is this manga real?" Following Shinpachi's train of thought, Ginpachi placed the JUMP on his desk and scratched his silver bush. "Does this perm really exist?" Ginpachi also considered believing in this form of nihilism, wishing to deny the existence of his perm.

"Does this hotdog really exist? I can taste it, but then, does taste really exist?" Kagura had decided to join the nihilism bandwagon and was tapping the hotdog to her desk. "Does my tongue really exist? Do any of our senses really exist? Shinpachi, do you exist? Do you exist, Sensei? Do I exist? Does Sa-chan exist, too?" She pointed to the girl outside the classroom window.

"Don't just point to her!" Shinpachi opened the window.

Unfortunately, the window's edges were very small, even too small for Ayame to grasp for a long amount of time, so her fingers slipped before Shinpachi opened the window. Luckily, Shinpachi caught Ayame's hand, but unluckily, Shinpachi was forced to jump out the window to catch her. Thankfully, Ginpachi leapt and grabbed Shinpachi's foot, but the teacher's own foot was now hanging on to the window sill.

Fortunately, Kagura, who possessed the superhuman strength that could save them all, strolled over to the three. "Are all of you really hanging from the window or is this just my imagination?"

Shinpachi's mouth gaped open at Kagura's lack of urgency. "JUST HELP US!"

"Shinpachi, am I really holding your foot? Does your foot really exist? Do your glasses really exist?"

"Sensei, that's not what you should be worried about right now…" A corner of Shinpachi's mouth twitched.

Ginpachi pondered upon Shinpachi's words and inquired, "Do human worries really exist?"

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"

The students and his teacher could be seen hanging from the school window like miniature figures as innocent people lived their daily lives, as a person picked up a thin black notebook, and as a monkey ate a banana.

Somehow, Shinpachi's voice still continued to boom: "THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"

The whole city could be seen, with its towering skyscrapers reflecting their mirrors under the sun, its orange-clad man with spiky hair forming a glowing sphere and floating in the sky, and a giant Hollow screeching as it is sliced into symmetrical halves.

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"

The whole world could now be seen. Giant mechas were soaring across the galaxy and using their lasers to save mankind from invaders. Yet, the mechas and the invaders halted their battle for a moment to let a flying ship pass through. Familiar laughs could be heard: "Ahahaha! It must be a very important battle! I'll make sure to tell our pilot that we have to stop by McWonald's and bring you back some food later!"

8=======D (_**Ginpachi-sensei, does this transition symbol represent Shinpachi with a long nose?**_)

Sometime later after the window predicament, when classes finally began, Ginpachi took out his attendance book. "Alright, roll call."

"Shimura's?"

"Here."

"Here. Aren't you supposed to call us in alphabetical or—" Shinpachi saw his teacher's pencil playing Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. Sighing, he didn't question why he and sister were called at the same time because he was already aware of his teacher's laid-back attitude.

"Kagura."

"Yup." Munches on a hotdog could be heard.

"Hijikata, Toushiro."

Nothing but silence and crickets. A heavy air covered the entire classroom. Where was Hijikata? This was the first time he was absent. Was he sick or was he just avoiding the project? Was he absorbed into oblivion never to reappear again? Did he need to cross over to Two Piece?

Gathering his courage to break the silence, Shinpachi spoke, "Sensei, just continue with the attendance."

"Kotarou, Zura."

Zura's eyebrows twitched as he hammered his desk with a giant text book, pressuring the wooden surface to absorb faulty lines. "It's not Zura, it's Katsura, or at least that's what it should say in your role book!"

Ginpachi examined his role book for a second before handing it to Zura, whose eyes widened.

After his last name were written only those four horrid letters: Z U R A.

A million macabre effigies raced throughout Zura's mind: a skull, a bloody black notebook, and a certain ignorant purple oddity performing Caramelldansen. After he shook off the latter of his thoughts, he looked up from the role book and pointed a morbid glare at his teacher. "What is this? My name is Katsura, Sensei! It's KATSURA! Not Zura!"

Katsura's hybrid penguin-duck, Elizabeth, gazed at its owner for a second and wrote something down on its trademark cardboard sign as Katsura continued to rant about his misnomer.

Katsura continued with his tirade, earning no one's attention. "It's not Zura, it's—"

The hybrid penguin-duck tapped Katsura (or Zura) with the sign.

The cardboard: "Yo, I feel your pain, and I'mma let you finish, but you're acting very out of character. We might lose the readers."

Upon reading Elizabeth's sign, Sougo's bangs clustered over his eyes as he pushed back his seat. An atmosphere of somberness swept over the entire classroom, earning several curious glances to Sougo's direction and causing Elizabeth to lower her sign. Finally, turning to Elizabeth, his monotonous voice: "Yo, I agree with you about Zura, and I'mma let you finish, but Danna calling Hijikata-san "Hijikata Toushiro" rather than the normal Oogushi-kun was the one of the most OOC moments of all time."

Starting from Sougo's "I'mma let you finish," Shinpachi opened and closed his mouth out of shock. After Sougo finished his comment, Shinpachi slammed his palms on to his desk. "What are you doing? You're acting out of character, too! You're not supposed to go with any of the internet memes, especially with the expired ones!"

Ginpachi dropped his role book on top of his disorganized paperwork. "It's not wrong for one to avoid conforming to society's expectations. Haven't you ever heard of civil disobedience? And don't call me Danna here. This is a K plus general fanfiction. We can't have the conservatives criticizing the implications behind the word." He searched through his pile of manga for the newest Bleach volume, eager to once again delve into the world of Kurosaki Ichigo. He grabbed a strawberry milk carton and entered the Hollow-filled world.

Kagura felt inspired to disobey the expectations of the Gintama Society, so after picking her nose, so she too decided to try diverging from the norms. "Yo, Shinpachi, your rant was so weak, and I'mma let you finish, but Zura had one of the best rants of all time!"

"That wasn't a rant! That was constructive criticism, meant to avoid losing the readers. Oi, Sensei, you didn't need to point out the other meaning of 'Danna'! Those who aren't aware of the double meaning would have easily just translated as 'Danna' to Boss! Now, everyone's going to Google 'Danna.' You did say that this story is only rated K plus, so we can't expose the youth to the other meaning of…" Shinpachi paused as he saw foreboding looks turning to him. Then, it occurred to him that he was highlighting the hidden connotation behind "Danna," an action that was completely contradictory to his intentions. He scratched the back of his hair. "Ha. Ha. Everyone, please disregard what I've said. Please don't look up the other definition of 'Danna.'!"

Elizabeth's card board: "This fanfiction is not liable for lawsuits should the readers choose to decipher the concealed implications of 'Danna,' and to avoid accentuating the word, we shall switch to the next scene."

For the second time, Shinpachi's fists pounded on his desk. "This is a fanfiction, not a movie! We have to make the scenes flow a tad more smoothly!"

Kagura stood up from her seat and threw a book at Shinpachi. "Conformist!"

Shinpachi adjusted his glasses as he rubbed the book mark on his forehead. "I'm just pointing out that we have to make smooth transitions so we don't lose the majority of the readers!"

"And that's exactly why you're a conformist! You're conforming to the norms of fanfiction writing!"

"They're not norms. They're rules!"

Katsura, who had reverted to his normal nonplussed attitude, decided that the time was ripe for his invaluable interference. "Shinpachi-san, your cowardice is restraining you from violating the norms and etiquettes followed by fan fiction writers. Shinji, no—Shinpachi, you're a pathetic character."

Sensing Katsura's unethical ridicule of characters from other anime and possible retribution from advocates of said animes, including their teacher, (and an instinct to defend her younger brother, who loved her fried eggs so dearly) Tae stood up to voice her steadfast thoughts.

"Zura-san, you've said that your name is actually Katsura. Isn't Katsura-san the leader of the underground student rebels?" Tae gestured to the Kendo Club members, smile still pasted. "And Katsura-san, aren't you supposed to be hiding from them?"

Kondo's eyes opened widely. Thoughts rapidly processed through his mind, as he integrated Tae's recently given information. The person who stood before him was Katsura, the leader of the underground Joui faction, the unscrupulous figure that caused the school to occasionally run amuck, the Katsura who somehow always eluded capture. Kondo rose from his seat, which signaled his fellow kendo members to seize Katsura.

"It's not Katsura, it's Zura." The kendo members stopped in their tracks, and Zura used the momentary hesitation to his advantage by dropping a smoke bomb, concealing Elizabeth and himself.

Shinpachi furiously waved the smoke away. "How did he even manage to get a smoke bomb in here? He's not even supposed to carry a smoke bomb around!"

"He's a wanted student terrorist. He's supposed to carry a smoke bomb," Kagura claimed in an as-a-matter-of-fact tone.

The smoke dissipated, revealing no trace of Zura and his bird-like specimen. "Well, I guess we were about to make a huge mistake. We're not looking for a Zura. We're looking for a Katsura," Kondo announced with confidence.

Sougo restrained himself from determining if Kondo was denying the fact that Katsura successfully evaded retribution once again or if he really believed that the terrorist-like smoke bomb dropper was actually Zura; instead, Sougo, like the rest of the kendo members returned to his seat.

Ginpachi scratched his perm and chewed on his lolli-lollied lollipop. The rising smoke from the treat casually drifted past an open manga. The owner of the lollipop still sat leisurely on his chair, both feet reclined on his desk. Fortunately, the airy silence was immediately interrupted by a series of raps on the door.

However, it seemed that Ginpachi was classically conditioned to slight any form of knocking sound exuded from doors due to the catastrophic repercussions his mental and physical health would often receive once his landlady entered his apartment and demanded payment for his overdue rent. Indeed, it would be right to presume that the aforementioned repercussions were the unconditioned stimulus and the resulting terrors Ginpachi would experience were part of unconditioned response. Therefore, the persistent knocks on the door were now the conditioned stimulus, and Ginpachi's honed skill of muting the aforementioned knocks was the conditioned response.

Concerned that the either the door or the equally important walls were going to collapse and cause an avalanche as well as a substantial amount of debris, a humble Yamazaki stumbled past his classmates' desks to open the door. However, just as he turned the knob, he heard a snap. And out popped the hinges from the crumbling wall.

Sensing approaching terror, Ginpachi now considered resorting to the second stage of his conditional response: a desperate escape method known as Soaring to the Sky, which is more commonly referred to as Jumping from One of His Classroom's Windows.

He could imagine the upcoming scene…

"_Why, good morning, Ginpachi-san." Otose would offer him a flat smile whilst the sclera of her eyes emitted a particular type of demonic red light that would have easily scathe Medusa. _(Just as expected, the debris-smothered Yamazaki buried beneath the still (miraculously) attachable door would not be given any attention.)

_And right on cue, Ginpachi would liberate himself from Otose's aura once he launched off the window sill and ascended into the sky, evolving into a Saiyan and using his newly acquired powers to—_

("Ginpachi-sensei, it would be too incredible for you to suddenly turn into a Saiyan." Shinpachi's eye lids twitched, openly communicating disapproval for the previous couple of paragraphs.)

However, Ginpachi had obviously forgotten that the principal had already snatched the overdue rent from Katsura's hands yesterday as the student paid his teacher for his alien duckling-sitting services. Therefore, Ginpachi's imagination was thankfully merely imagination. But unfortunately, the fact that the last drop of the door-knocker's patience ultimately evaporated was not imagination.

And so, the soon toppled door revealed not an angry principal, but a student. Yet, judging from the cracks on the wall and the jumping firecracker hinges, it was evident that this student was not any less disconcerted by Ginpachi's reluctance to simply ignore his conditioned response rather than the door. But any sign of possible beleaguerment was certainly non-extant on the androgynous student's stoic demeanor. In fact, what exuded from the student was a message delivered in a cordial manner.

"Sensei, Otose-sama has announced that she would like our class to work on the project in the library today."

"Kyuu-chan!" Tae waved with a grin, causing the addressee to give a short bow with a grateful mutter of "Otae-chan." An (or _the_) air of friendship suddenly permeated the room, rendering (or awkwardly threatening) the students to stupefying silence.

Finally, someone dared to ask, "Uh…umm, Why the library?"

Kyuubei snatched what seemed to be a scroll from her pocket (thus gaining a "WHAAT? This is not Karuto!" from straight man Shinpachi) and handed it to Ginpachi, who then mussed up his hair with the scroll. Anyone could tell he was deep in thought, possibly still contemplating his potential as a Saiyan.


End file.
